I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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