When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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