I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
