I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
