Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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