Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
