There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
