The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
