I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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