my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
