i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
