Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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