So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
