Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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