Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
