We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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