the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
