Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize