Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
