when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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