I CAN MOONWALK!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize