I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
