I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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