i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
