You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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