i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
