i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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