At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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