dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
