This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
