hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he thought i was a dude.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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