He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
