that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
