Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
