I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
