I can text with my tongue
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
