I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
