so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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