it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There r osticjed everywhere
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
