I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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