and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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