Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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