we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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