when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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