I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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