her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
