M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
