Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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