Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
