Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
