I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
