I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
if only i could text you this smell
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
