Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We had sex on a dog bed..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
