Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
