i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
