his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize