If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
