I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He better not be in your backpack
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
