just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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