I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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