i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
